I loathe myself. It is amazing that I have gone this long in such a state. I have tried, time and again, not to. I was doing well, too. I have a wonderful girl who loves me. I have friends. I have… a life.

Then why can I not look at my reflection? Then why… why do I still blame a dead man for all of my problems?

Because you failed. Because you blame everything except yourself.

I do not want to sleep. I cannot eat, I cannot do anything except run situations over and again in my head. And talk with myself. Oh, the voices… I never thought that they would ever sound sane.

People sacrifice themselves because you could not accept the blame.

I told his parents. I told everyone else too. It was my duty, my responsibility. I led the campaign, because I wanted…

I wanted…

I wanted it to be me.

I am sorry, Tifa, for such suicidal ambitions. And I am sorry that I hold them still… only I wish to die very very slowly… like sinking into the water…

Only cowards get to die like that. Brave people go out fighting… maybe that is fitting for you.

I am meant to fade away. Fade away with no reminders. Not like you, Cidney, you left so many reminders that I cannot forget. Even locked in my room, hours upon hours, staring at the ceiling…

I really should give her these ridiculous goggles that you wore. I am glad that she did like you, I am glad that you two were close. I had hoped that someday you would have a family, and that I would and our children would go to school together. Maybe fight. Highwinds and Valentines are a combustive reaction, you know.

Damn you… for getting me thinking about the future.

She is most likely angry with me. Both of our women. I could not look at her, after what happened…

Guilty little thing… shifty eyes and shadow hair… do you really think she’ll ever want to touch you again?

I am wondering how many chemicals my system could handle. Maybe I will go numb. Maybe… maybe I will stop feeling… hollow. Such a hollow victory. Nothing left to avenge, nothing left to fight. Obsolete.

I should just go out and find a job and go far from here. Yes, I am running. I need to before I lose my mind.

Oh the look on his parents’ faces... gods, if I could only get that image out of my mind. Drink, Vincent, drink it away and pretend they did not look at you like you had killed him... Like you were responsible. Like they had wished they had never met you.

If he hadn’t gotten mixed up with a faggy jackass like you, he’d be here right now telling you to get your ass up and stop moping.

The voices have been getting bolder, some that I have not heard since before Lucrecia are surfacing. And I wonder what it would be like if I just stayed locked in here forever, slowly wasting away... body and mind....

I need work. I need something to occupy myself before I... well, I am not sure what I would do. Maybe I do not want to answer that question.

Well, Cloud did say that he might have work for me... and I may have pissed him off. But when you are hollow... words like that just bounce off and echo into oblivion. Yes... that is where I want to go. Oblivion. To be... nothing. To be... invisible.

Dammit Cidney... why did you have to prove you were the hero like that?

(I have been meaning to write this for a while but have been honestly busy at work. ^^)

----

He feels fragmented in a way he never did before. Reading these notes has pulled the pieces together, yes, but he never knew there were pieces before. Some things are better unknown. Some equations should not be solved. Cloud knows his math, but he does not like the answer he has found.

Confidence. The word haunts him as it has haunted the seventeen years of his life.

What has been done to the others is more, and he readily admits that -- he makes no claims as Leader-Of-The-Condemned, Leader-Of-The-Experimented-Upon. His was no success, nothing readily noticeable like Shera or Sephiroth. His was no life-stealing drug: Cloud has led a normal life, unlike the others. He did not lose what the others lost.

His was not even like Loz, or Kadaj and Yazoo. He was made to be un-noticeable.

And that's just it, isn't it? Cloud has lacked confidence his whole life and wondered why.

He always wondered why he wasn't outspoken like Shera or Elena, or strong like Sephiroth and the rest of the team. He never had the confidence to tell Tifa he had a crush on her when he was a child. Even now, in high school, it took him weeks to build himself up and ask Yuffie out. He has worked and worked out and worked on homework and tried and it just always felt like something was missing -

But now the last piece is in place, he has solved the equation and it turns out that confidence is a drug, one last piece that was -- it was not missing, he had it all along, it was only lulled to sleep along the nerves of his brain by careful application, his mother's soft voice: Cloud, dear, take your vitamins!, and he always thought that his inherent shyness, his weakness, came from her. Came from not having his dad around. Came from something other than a supressant poorly disguised as Chewy Chocobo Vitamins for Kids.

Confidence, a drug. One piece. His was coated by science, preventing his slightly-augmented genes and nerves and muscles from ever manifesting themselves. The others were works of art: Cloud was a work of potential, of possibility, of waiting.

It is why he is so angry, because he fell for it, the siren song of the damned. His mother fixing new meals, bringing him new vitamins because You're my big boy now, Cloud, and from there it was only a matter of time until his footsteps led to the nurse and all those carefully applied drugs stripped away the blinders of his own heritage, confidence pumping through his veins like the mastermind he was made to be. And the confidence is addicting, a world of worth he has never had before, and he knows that is why he kept going back to her for more and more because he finally was strong like he had always thought he should be. Strong like they made him: the backup plan. The reservoir.

It was like a drug. it was a drug. Cloud was their reservoir of power, and they stripped away his confidence to keep him from realizing it.

Cloud wonders whether he deserves this new strength he has found. He has worked his whole life to be strong and smart, and was stopped by their own barriers, blocking his progess. Perhaps now all that is happening is his past work is coming into bloom: perhaps this new strength in his arms and legs is an age worth of laps run and pushups counted, simply now realizing, having been saved along his bones like a charged capacitor, waiting only for release to sing along his nerves.

And perhaps it is the work of needles and veins. And drugs.

He wonders now, as he never did before -- how much of his life, his ongoing trial to be strong... how much of it was necessary, and how much of it was simply the useless fight of one man against science, one soul against fate.

Cloud dwells on it now. He knows what he is and what he must do. Confidence is his drug now, and he must use it.

If he really stopped to think about it, his mom and dad were just about the coolest parents on the planet.

He went downstairs, almost getting lost in the posh, sprawling house before he finally found the room that Sephiroth was in.

Reno sprawled on the couch, head on the arm and legs Indian-style and almost went to sleep at once, the couch was so fluffy. Fighting the urge, he peeled his eyes open and watched Sephiroth rummaging through the movies. "So, we're gonna watch a comedy, right?" he asked, deadpan.

Sephiroth smirked and held up a boxset that was black and red with an absolutely terrifying looking child-ghost on the side. "It's the week of Halloween, Re, don't be stupid! This is DarkWater Drowning!"

Reno sat up, spluttering. "Oh, FUCK no."

Seph paid his boyfriend no heed and slid the movie into the DVD player and waltzed over to the blinds, throwing them open to the spooky night. "Cloud and Se are going to be gone till tomorrow anyway, why not stay in?"

With that he plopped on the couch himself and flipped on the large television. The light played off his hair, mixing with the soft glow of his eyes. "This movie makes ME jump, I love it."

Reno gritted his teeth. "If I weren't too lazy to get up..." He broke off and sighed, curling up with his face toward the back of the couch. "I guess I'll just go to sleep, then."

Sephiroth poked Reno in the ribs till he rolled over and gripped his arms, holding him. "Oh come on, it can't hurt you."

"Yes, it can. And I'm sleepy. So let me go." He pulled on Sephiroth's grip on his wrists and glared at him, thwarted. Even Lucrecia-enhanced, he was still not a match for Sephiroth's brute strength.

Sephiroth sighed in his ear. "Fine, you can sleep, but I'm gonna sit here and watch this movie." He then let go of Reno and laid back, draping one arm over the back of the couch.

Reno sighed as well, thwacking his head on the seat. "No. Let's just watch a good movie. This one sucks and you know it."

Sephiroth shook his head. "It scares me. It's great!" He popped his back. "And anyway, you wanted to sleep." He sat one of the pillows across his lap. "There, so fall asleep."

Reno stared at him blankly for a moment before he sat up, rubbing his eyes. "You're kidding. You've got to be kidding..."

Sephiroth just smiled a little and patted the pillow.

"You're NOT kidding. Fuck." Reno looked around for an easy escape and almost got up off the couch before Sephiroth grabbed his arm and pulled him back down.

Sephiroth growled at him. "You have to protect me from the evil dead children.

Reno tried to break his grip. "You can get eaten for all I care!" Then after a moment of prying at Sephiroth's hand, he gave up and sat down again, but not in his lap as he would have liked.

White hair waved a bit as Sephiroth shook his head. "Fine, go upstairs if you want, I suppose. You're always so cranky you know that? It's like you don't even like me half the time you know it? Are you just using me for sex?" He joked.

Reno blinked at him. "Of course not, it's just that..." Then his eyes narrowed. "Oh, no. NO way are you making ME the guilty one. You're the one making me mad. It's not my fault." He looked down. "And let my arms go, it's annoying."

Sephiroth shrugged then, not saying anything and getting up. Smooth strides took him from the couch into the kitchen. Reno could hear the microwave start up, signaling that Sephiroth was heating up coffee from earlier.

At a loss, Reno looked around for a moment, wondering what he said wrong. He grabbed the remote and paused the damnable DVD, standing up to follow.

"What's wrong?" he asked, eyes half-lidded and looking bored as he watched Sephiroth move about the kitchen.

Sephiroth crossed back over into the living-room a cup steaming in his hand. "You wanted me to leave you alone, I'm annoying, remember?"

Reno blinked slowly, looking about to fall asleep from ennui. "I was shitting with you."

There was an answering shrug. "I dunno, you sounded serious, so I am going to have my coffee and watch my movie." He looked over at Reno before turning the DVD on play.

"Fine, fucker," Reno muttered and walked out, calling over his shoulder. "Go ahead and watch the fucking movie by yourself. Whatever, bastard."

"Love you too." Seph muttered, just loud enough to hear.

Reno paused, like his feet were stuck to the floor with glue. Turning around, he gritted his teeth at the back of Sephiroth's head. "YOU FUCKER!"

Sephiroth blinked at him. "What now? Go to bed or something."

Reno gritted his teeth again, torn between watching the movie and making Sephiroth happy and going to bed and doing what Sephiroth said. "Fuck you, bastard."

In response, Sephiroth just shrugged his shoulders. At that moment, the power flickered one, prompting him to look at the lights. "Goodnight then, Reno."

Reno glanced at the flickering lights. "What the hell?"

"Storm's rolling in, power may go out." Sephiroth explained with his eyes glued to the television. "Oh and if you're going to bed don't listen to 109.5, serial killer digest tonight."

Reno glanced at the window, which was tapping with light rain. The lights flickered again, making Reno flinch like a wild horse. "...serial killer...?"

The DVD was getting to the first actually scary scene; Reno averted his eyes. Why did they always make little girls eat people in these movies?

"It's just a program, not real." There was a blood chilling squeal from the television, making Sephiroth smirk. He sipped his coffee. "Something about the football slayings. You know that old myth that someone killed a bunch of high school football players?"

Reno looked behind him quickly, then to the side. Feeling exposed, he stepped forward and flopped on the couch, as far away from Sephiroth as possible. "Anyone you know?" he asked, trying to sound nonchalant.

Sephiroth turned and looked at Reno from the other side of the couch. "Thought you were going to bed?" Once again the power flickered, three full times before remaining on. Sephiroth swore and turned the DVD player back on. "It's just an urban legend, Re."

The wind was increasing; they could hear it in the trees outside. Lightning struck, illuminating the room in bright white and Reno visibly flinched, closing his eyes when the thunder rolled, sounding too loud and close for comfort.

He opened his eyes and pulled his legs up to him, sniffing casually. "I know. I think you're making it up."

"Making what –" And then the power totally went out in a low drone. "up…" Sephiroth sighed. "You mean the serial killer digest? They do it every Thursday night in October." He flipped on the radio to prove his point and then got up. "I think we've got some candles upstairs, be right back."

Reno reclined on the couch, his head on the armrest and eyes closed too tightly, listening to the damnable radio broadcast.

"And tonight we are going to go back- well, not too far back." A smooth radio-voice started. "Not more than ten years ago, actually and right here in Midgar there was the famous football slayer."

Reno breathed out, trying to calm himself. "Yeah, whatever. Football player slayer...blah..."

"You may have heard about this one from your parents. He went about killing the entire starting line up of Midgar Highschool, bringing the only loosing season in the schools history. Of course, he didn't only kill Football players."

The redhead opened his eyes, then closed them again and curled to the back of the couch, listening intently.

"No, the Football Slayer didn't just kill the football players. He had a thing for blondes, apparently. Every single blond in the school seemed to dye –pardon the pun- their blonde hair brown, red or black. Check the yearbooks online, it’s a sight to see." There was a dramatic pause then, apparently waiting for hapless children to search out their parent's yearbooks.

Reno grinned a little to himself and muttered, "Run and hide, Cloudy-boy..."

"One of the more violent crimes was against the white-blond captain of the football team, Reggy. Apparently, the killer chose a night, just…like…this one to sneak upstairs and await the power failure. He jumped the boy in the dark and stabbed him fifty-nine times before finally dragging his body into the bathroom and dismembering it. That was the last the killer struck in Midgar. To this day he has not been caught…"

His eyes narrowed. "That's oddly…specific." Reno sat up and glanced over the back of the couch into the dark rooms behind him. Scanning for a moment, he listened. Lightning flashed through the black rooms and thunder reverberated like a giant coughing. The rain was coming down in sheets… the wind had somehow found a way into the house, moaning and high-pitched against the windows and doors.

He shuddered out a long breath. …White-haired football captain…power failure…stabbity upstairs. Reno glanced back toward the stairway Sephiroth had just ascended and forced out a laugh. "He's gonna have to do better than this. This is too cheesy, even for him."

There was a loud bang from the back door. He heard the screen slam against the wall and flap there like a broken wing. The thunder crashed then and the rain poured down harder, making a rough staccato against the tile.

Reno sat still for a long moment, trying to calm his heart down. He walked to the door and looked outside hesitantly before shaking his head and closing it again.

He walked to the stairs. "Hey, Seph? Did you find the candles?"

Then he slid on something. Looking down there was a black stain on the tile floor. When the lightning flashed again Reno could see the color clearly. Blackish and rotten, red. Sephiroth wasn't answering him.

Reno stared at the stain, feeling his brain begin to static with fear. "What the hell...?" He stepped back and looked up the stairs again. "Seph!? You there?"

The stains seemed to drag up the steps, leaving scraps and puddles of redish ooze along the way. Reno reached his hand to the railing, craning his neck. He opened his mouth to yell again.

"Shit!" Sephiroth's voice was almost lost in the thunderclap and the crash that followed soon afterwards.

And then Reno was running up the stairs without thinking, following more of the red stains and feeling his stomach drop into his lungs. "Sephiroth!?"

He got to the top, following more stains (blood, was it BLOOD!?) down the hall. "Answer me, dammit!"

The closet… there was a pile of boxes, rubble and lord knows what else. Reno stepped delicately over the boxes trying to look into the bedrooms or the bathroom. Then a large, bloody hand reached out from under the boxes and gripped his ankle.

Reno let out a scream of terror, trying to leap away. The hand gripped tightly, making him lose his balance and fall to the floor. He clawed at the carpet, trying to get leverage. Kicking violently, he rolled over and glanced back at the zombie hand, scrambling for a weapon.

The hand twitched; his mouth made a horrified "O" as his hand found a tall lamp. Still on his back, he levered the lamp at the horrifying appendage, pulling the cord out of the wall with a snap.

The hand was clawing, trying to move the boxes. Reno coughed with terror and swung the lamp at it. "YOU BITCH! YOU ATE HIM, DIDN'T YOU!?"

The boxes fell away with a cry of pain and the Zombie…no wait, it was Sephiroth. White hair was marred with blood, and it smelled…sort of like meatloaf.

Reno stared at him blankly for a moment before he tackled him, knocking him back into the boxes and whacking Sephiroth's head against the doorjam. "Seph!"

He pulled back, shaking his head questioningly. "Not a zombie?"

Sephiroth took a breath, hissing in pain. He put a hand to his mouth, blood seeped out in between his fingers. He cast an angry glare at Reno.

Reno blinked. "What?"

"Nor a thombie…" Sephiroth swallowed and pulled a face, blood still seeped from the corner of his mouth. "hat te ell iz ong wit you? You anted me to get eaten an now you eat me wit a lamp?"

Reno shrugged, glancing nervously at the lightning pouring through the window and ignoring him. "What...happened? Why were you in the closet?"

He turned back to Sephiroth. "And what the hell are you bleeding about? You do that too much..."

With another swallow, Sephiroth wiped blood from his mouth. "You elwayz en up urting me, you litte shizt." He flicked his tongue out, showing that he must have bitten it when Reno tackled him.

Reno frowned, kneeling down by him awkwardly. "Ah...sorry. I didn't mean it. You'd think the football captain would be able to take a tackle..."

Working his tongue again, Sephiroth took another breath. "You miss a dose or something? Ten minutes ago you were telling me off, then you fucking bash my hand in and NOW you're sorry?" He kicked, showing that he slipped on something red and squishy. "What the hell is that?"

"Fuck!" he exclaimed, before he was sure that it wasn't moving. "What the fuck is that?" he asked, poking it with the lamp and glanced at Sephiroth. "Sorry, I thought you were a zombie before."

"I have a vendetta against all zombies and attack on sight."

Sephiroth pinched his nose. "A ZOMBIE? So you came up here to…" He smiled. "Were you worried about me?"

Reno blushed. "Ah...not really." He paused, looking at him intently. "Well, maybe. Like a WHOLE LOT." He pecked him on the lips, then made a face and wiped the blood off with the back of his hand. "Sick."

Sephiroth's tongue flicked out and he laughed. "What is there to worry about?" He pulled a few candles from a box and started replacing things. I wonder what I tripped on though…"

Reno stood up and turned a full circle. "Ah...well, I was just kind of freaked out, I guess. Didn't want the evil dead children to eat you."

After putting all but the candle box away, Sephiroth paused and crossed his arms in front of his chest. "You confused the piss out of me, you know that?" He started to follow the little red drag marks on the floor.

Reno looked from side to side, then stepped behind Sephiroth, walking a little too close behind him and glancing at the shadows. "I try. Now what the fuck are we following?" He looked down at the spots and tugged on Sephiroth's arm. "Wait. What the fuck are we doing? Why would we FOLLOW the creepy dots? Shouldn't we be going...I don't know, ANY OTHER WAY!?"

"Yeah well, stop it. Be one way or the other, mood swings are for women." Sephiroth wiped his face again, spitting blood to the floor. "To find out what makes the creepy dots we need to follow them. What are you afraid—" he spun around. "You heard that urban legend and were afraid someone was going to hurt me, weren't you?"

Reno grimaced. "Why did you even turn that fucking radio on anyway?"

"Because you said I was making it up." He rolled his bright eyes. "And anyway, I didn't think you'd worry."

"You're house is too creepy," Reno muttered, trying to change the subject.

"Reno, no changing the subject." Sephiroth followed the slime into his bedroom. "You don't have to pretend to worry about me, you know."

"What? Pretend?"

Sephiroth tilted his head, peering at the bed. He walked slowly forward. "Yeah, pretend. You're not obligated to hang around me just because of how I feel about you." He put a hand on the bed, trying to figure out how to best get whatever was under it.

There was a moment's pause. Reno stepped forward and grabbed his wrist, yanking him around. "I'll hang around wherever I damn well please, Sephiroth." He looked in his green eyes for a second, thinking. "If I didn't like you, I would ignore you. That's all there is to it."

Sephiroth looked down at where Reno's hand still held his wrist. "Oh so constant screaming is your way of showing me you care?" He smirked down at Reno.

All the expression on Reno's face slipped away until only the angry blush remained. He opened his mouth as if he wanted to yell, then closed it and squeezed Sephiroth's wrist tightly. "I wish...that you wouldn't do that," he murmured.

Sephiroth's face melted into genuine confusion. He focused on Reno's hand again. "Do what?"

Reno frowned and swallowed. "Bait me," he answered, loosening his grip. "I wouldn't yell at you if you...would just stop baiting me."

"Baiting you?" He sighed, stepping closer. "I don't try to."

"I yell when people make fun of me," Reno muttered, looking at one of the red spots on the ground. "It's second nature. If you don't want me to yell at you, then you should stop teasing me about serious stuff."

"The last time I checked, fictitious ghost children were not a serious matter." Sephiroth responded. "I'm sorry, alright? You know you tease everyone, I just expect you to be ready for it." He pulled his hand free. "And anyway, it's not like we are the cuddly sort."

Ignoring him, Reno stepped back and crouched by the bed, looking under it. "I don't want to sleep in here tonight. It's like creepytown. Those red splotches are...creeping me out."

"I'll take-" Sephiroth started but before he could finish, Reno fell backwards with Meaty on his chest. Sephiroth blinked for a beat and then started laughing.

Reno screamed and lay there, breathing heavily, hands over his eyes. "Shit, shit...shit..."

Sephiroth lifted Meaty off of Reno's chest. "Hallo there, what are you doing away from home?"

Meaty made a few random "eek" sounds before wiggling.

"We should take him home I suppose. Stupid meatloaf."

Reno shuddered and flopped his arms down on the floor, not geting up. He glared hazily at them both. "I hate you."

Sephiroth dropped meaty, who slinked back out the door, probably on his way out the way he had come in. "What did I DO?" Sephiroth raked a hand through his hair. "Christ, you scream at me if I don't do anything, I may as well earn it."

Reno smiled shakily. "I was talking to the glob of meat, bastard." He stood up, wobbly, and shuddered.

Putting his hand on Reno's shoulder to steady him, Sephiroth sighed. "Meaty just prolly wanted in from the rain. We both know he's harmless." He started out of the room. "The rain's letting up, I'm going to let Meaty out and then maybe the power will come back on."

Reno went with him down the stairs to the screen door that had scared Reno earlier. "Yeah, this came open before. That little fucker came in this way."

Meaty was cringing in the corner by the door. Reno opened it and kicked at the glob of meat. "Get out. I don't care if it's wet or not. You go to Aeris' house and stay there. And if you come back over here I'll eat ya."

He kicked at it again, and with a strange high-pitched squeal it darted out the door and into the night.

"We'll have to make Cloud fix it."

Just before Reno slammed the door, the power flickered back on. Sephiroth sighed. "Thank god. Do you want me to take you home before I take a shower?"

Reno blinked at him. "Who will protect you from the evil dead children?"

"You told me that you didn't care if they ate me and that you wanted to go home." He dug a rag from the kitchen cabinet and started cleaning up the splotches. "So maybe you need to figure out what you want?" The red spots came up easily, at least and were not as bad as Reno had imagined.

Reno sighed and watched him clean. He didn't say anything. After a minute, he grabbed a cloth himself, kneeling to clean along with him and sighing again.

They were silent for the rest of the time while they cleaned. After throwing the rags away, Sephiroth nodded. "Thank you for the help. Now you want me to take you home now or after I shower the meatloaf slime off of me?"

"Depends. Can I watch?"

"Ha, I was right." Sephiroth smirked and threw his shirt at Reno climbing the steps. "You are just using me for sex."

Reno followed him, swinging the shirt lazily. He was oddly quiet, as if he was thinking hard about something.

Sephiroth didn't seem to mind the silent treatment, shedding the rest of his clothes and tossing them in the laundry basket in his room before turning back to the bathroom.

Reno went in the bathroom and sat on the closed toilet in a dejected way, leaned over with his hands between his legs. He was looking not at Sephiroth but through him, eyes troubled as if he was thinking so hard his brain hurt. Finally, he sighed and actually looked at Sephiroth, who was turning on the water.

Sephiroth looked at him, with one of those unreadable looks. "Are you alright, Re?"

Reno nodded slightly and rubbed his fingers together. "Yeah. Take your shower."

Sephiroth got into the shower then, changing the flow of the water and drawing the curtain. "Re, something's up and it isn't Meaty."

The redhead didn't answer. Sephiroth heard a noise and turned to find Reno in the shower with him, still fully clothed except for his feet, which were bare. "I'm not," he said determinedly, staring at Sephiroth's face.

"Oh? I could fix that for you, but your clothes are getting all wet you know." Once again he crossed his arms over his chest, blocking the water from Reno for the most part.

Reno continued as if Sephiroth hadn't spoken, his face completely serious. "I'm not just using you for sex. So quit joking about it."

Sephiroth raised an eyebrow at that, but he didn't say anything.

Reno stepped forward, the bottom of his pants getting caught in the swirl of water. His whole body was shaking with emotion; he frowned, still staring intently at Sephiroth's face. "And if you say I don't care about you one more time..." He shook his head, red hair sticking to his forehead in the humidity. A sudden blush infused his face until it was very red, but he was always angry when he blushed, never sheepish.

He swallowed and stepped forward again, water sprinkling on his face and hair, almost touching him. "I..." The anger dissipated, leaving only the blush. "I love you."

Sephiroth's arms dropped to his side and his mouth gaped open. He blinked at Reno as though the other man had grown an extra limb.

Reno swallowed again, "I just wanted to-"

He didn't get the chance to finish, Sephiroth grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and threw him back against the long wall of the shower, his mouth covering Reno's roughly.

Reno hummed and curled his arms around Sephiroth’s neck, one down through his wet hair, one above, cupping his head. He was wet where he pressed against him, long damp bangs brushing the side of his face and sticking to his cheeks.

"I know you do." Sephiroth breathed into his ear, trailing his mouth down to Reno's neck before yanking the shirt up and throwing it behind them.

oOo

And they found themselves in pajama pants on the couch again. "So, I suppose we can watch Super Troopers if you want." Sephiroth offered.

He got up and set up the DVD and got the remote before sitting back down. Reno grabbed the pillow and set it on Sephiroth's lap, plopping his head down and laying on his side. "If I fall asleep, don't wake me up," he ordered, making sure he had eye contact with Sephiroth so he understood he was serious.

Sephiroth rolled his eyes, already fingering Reno's hair. He then yawned loudly. "Same to you."

Filled with a lethargy that could only come on a Sunday, Reno turned off the TV, yawned and rolled to face the back of the couch, intent on giving in and taking a nap. His face was pressed to the leather, sticking to it, but he was too content to really mind.

He imagined chocobos jumping over fences, which was his usual trick for sending himself off to dreamland. At about the hundredth chocobo, they began to warp strangely; one had Elena's 'keel' face, the next looked like a ninja, and the next grew long white hair that spread out and tickled his arms...

Reno tapped his teeth together and yawned again, his thought patterns already fragmenting and the castle song from Dragon Warrior running in lazy loops inside his sleepy head.

One more minute and he would be asleep...

"Re."

Dammit. Sephiroth.

He had jerked a little at his nickname on his boyfriend's lips, so it was no real use pretending to be asleep now. So, of course, he pretended to be asleep anyway.

"Wake up, Re."

Another slight adrenaline rush at that name. Damn him. Reno was so sleepy...Sephiroth had to ruin his naps every fucking time.

"You know...I have to sleep sometime," he mumbled inarticulately into the junction of the cushion and the back of the couch. "If you're not gonna let me sleep at night, then I'm just gonna have to sleep in the fucking goddamn daytime."

Silence behind him, and sudden suspicion did more to wake Reno up than anything else had. Still, when he turned to look warily up at Sephiroth, he was still prepared to go back to sleep if by some miracle Sephiroth decided to leave him the fuck alone.

"What in the world are you muttering about?" White teeth, white hair, white shirt, a flash of green; Sephiroth looked like a pallet of non-color. Especially with his hair in his face, leaning over him that way, hand braced against the couch. Why did that look make Reno want to spread his legs, pull Sephiroth's weight down like a blanket, and bite his neck until he gasped?

Oh yeah. He forgot. Because he let Seph top him. But only because it really seemed to do it for him. And not because Reno was actually girly or anything. Of course not. That was just silly.

Ah, shit. He was totally awake now. Damn teenage hormones!

He blinked slowly, brain not easily keeping up with his libido. "I said, 'Shut up and go the fuck away.'" Reno smiled, eyes half-lidded, looking him up and down.

Sephiroth sighed, used to the verbal abuse. "And here I went to the trouble of getting you a present. I guess you're not worthy of it." And with those vague words, he turned and walked away.

"Wait!" Reno said, still not willing to sit up. He glared down his nose toward the grumpy white-haired man in the hall. "Wait one fucking minute."

Sephiroth turned and came back, scratching his cheek and looking thoughtful. "What? This had better be good."

Reno blinked, still kind of wishing he could be napping. "This present had better be good," he muttered, then winced internally at the sudden, angry glint in Sephiroth's eyes. "I mean..." he trailed off, closing his eyes. "I mean, er...sorry. I'm just tired, okay?"

Movement, and then Sephiroth knelt next to the couch, torso resting against Reno's chest, face in his neck and hot breath rushing out against his skin. "Yeah, me too," Sephiroth said in his ear. "I think I'll take a nap, right here."

Reno shivered at the proximity, Sephiroth's weight forcing him to expel a breath. It felt like he was under water, somewhere warm, long white hairs spilling down occasionally to fall across his throat, soft dark breathing at his neck. He was half-asleep again when he realized that Sephiroth was gradually increasing the weight, pressing down vindictively until Reno started to cough, the pressure threatening to crack his ribs.

"Bastard," Reno breathed, hitting his shoulders, pulling on his hair. "GET OFF!"

Sephiroth let up, just enough so Reno could see him laughing silently.

"GET OFF, NOW!" Reno yelled and managed to push Sephiroth off of him and onto the floor where he lay sprawled and motionless. The redhead sat up, rubbing his chest, working air back into his lungs. He glared down at Sephiroth. "What the FUCK was that about?"

Sephiroth opened his eyes and blinked at him. Then a slight smile. "You awake?"

Reno sighed. "Yeah, yeah."

The smile widened and Sephiroth sat up. "You sure? You still look half-dead."

Reno shook his head, still rubbing his chest. "That's because you almost killed me just now, you bastard."

Sephiroth seemed to consider this for a moment, a finger at his cheek. "Ah, well. There's only one way I can make that up to you."

Reno tilted his head. "The present."

The white-haired man nodded. "One track mind."

Reno jumped up and into the hall, where he turned. "Then we are of an accord. You give me this present and I go back to sleep. It all works out." He paused impatiently. "You coming?"

Sephiroth stood up, following. "You don't even know where or what it is, you nerd."

"I guess not." Reno blinked. "Okay, so you lead the way, then. Hurry up." He motioned dramatically for Sephiroth to go ahead.

The taller man did not move. He just folded his arms and stared at Reno. "You have to close your eyes."

The redhead was instantly incited to a full-blown, Snape-like rage. "Oh, no! No fucking way in this fucking world are you going to get me to fucking close my eyes EVER AGAIN!"

Sephiroth blinked, taken slightly aback. "Why not?"

Reno stalked over to him, poking him in the chest with one surprisingly sharp finger. "Oh, don't play innocent, you bastard." He poked again, harder. "I remember the fucking pop can ghost. Don't you? Oh, I will always remember that fucking pop can ghost. And do you remember the only reason why that stupid thing worked on me?" He leaned in really close. "Because you made me close my fucking eyes."

He stepped back and folded his arms. "You must be fucking insane if you think I'm going to fall for the same thing twice. No way."

Sephiroth just smiled slightly and turned away. "Fine, forget that then." He started walking to the kitchen. "You want some lunch?"

Reno stared at his back in disbelief. "Lunch!? You fucking woke me up from my nap for nothing! I don't want your fucking lunch! I'm going to bed!"

Sephiroth jerked suspiciously before he ran a hand through his hair, back still to him. "You sure you don't want some lunch?" His voice sounded strangely tense.

"No, I want to fucking sleep."

A pause. Sephiroth was desperately trying to think of something, Reno could tell. "No, you don't."

"Ah, so that means whatever it is, it's in the bedroom, right!?" Reno laughed and darted out toward the giant staircase, hearing Sephiroth right on his heels.

Reno got tackled on the stairs, shins catching the carpeted marble steps, Sephiroth's arms around his legs. He instinctively kicked back and leapt forward again, trying to look both forward and backward at the same time.

He was tackled again. This time his arms were pinned to his sides, but now he was near the top of the stairs. "Let go. You were going to give it to me anyway, so just let go and let me have it!"

Reno felt Sephiroth rub his nose against his back, which he interpreted as him shaking his head. The shorter man tried to free his arms or wiggle out, but Sephiroth's grip was like a freaking vice. "Let go of me," he demanded crossly.

Sephiroth only tightened his grip. And now his hands were starting to wander, to his stomach, to his nipples, to the bottom of his shirt, pulling upward. He inhaled sharply and tried to shake him off again, more emphatically.

Sephiroth readjusted, kissing the back of his neck sloppily. Whatever was in that bedroom must be really good, given how hard Sephiroth was trying to distract him...

Gathering up all his bones, which for some reason had melted in a messy puddle on the staircase, he counted to five, and snapped his head back against something hard, probably Sephiroth's forehead or nose.

It shocked Sephiroth long enough for Reno break free and dash the rest of the way up the stairs and down the hall. He stopped, looking over his shoulder, saw Sephiroth too close for comfort, reached for the handle and touched it before being tackled a third time, football style, onto the floor, head cracking hard against the floorboards.

The world spun white and painful for a second. He felt Sephiroth braced above him, breathing harshly. Something wet dripped on his cheek and for a stunned second he thought that Sephiroth was crying. But then Reno's vision cleared and saw with a stomach-jerking lurch that he was bleeding, his nose covered in blood, congealing where his white hair was touching it, matting to it like thick red glue.

Reno blinked. Another red drop fell to his cheek. Sephiroth's eyes were absolutely expressionless, strange and almost colorless above the glorious, violent imperfection of the blood.

He swallowed once, twice. Sephiroth gripped Reno's hair in tight fists, pulling painfully and leaning forward until he was an inch away, forcing Reno to look him in the eyes, too close, overwhelming.

"Bad Reno."

He shuddered. It was like that time...when he had been sane and Sephiroth had snapped for the first time, and had almost killed his clone brothers...

"Did you take your medicine today?" Reno asked breathlessly, and was vaguely gratified at how calm and reasonable the question came out.

Sephiroth's alien eyes seemed to crack, then shatter. He blinked, then smiled a little and nodded. "Yes." He cocked his head, unclenching Reno's hair and wiping some blood from his nose onto the back of his hand. "Sorry, did I scare you, little shit?" And he didn't look sorry at all; his eyes were amused slits.

Then he leaned forward and licked the drops of blood from Reno's cheek in one long swath, making Reno's eyes roll in the back of his head and his blood rush everywhere and nowhere at once.

"Let me....up..." he breathed.

"No," Sephiroth responded equably, licking the blood from his own lips and looking thoughtful.

"Come on, why not?" Reno was staring fixedly at Sephiroth's mouth. "I want to see it, whatever it is."

Sephiroth barked a laugh. "You really think I'm going to give it to you after you made me bleed? Fat chance, shit."

Reno pulled both hands up and ran his fingers through Sephiroth's white and red bangs, trying to wipe the blood off. "Sorry. Didn't think you were so fucking sensitive. Bastard."

Sephiroth closed his eyes momentarily, leaning into Reno's right hand. "You can't have it."

Reno blinked, rubbing his cheek. "Why not? You nervous about giving it to me or something?"

He snorted. Loudly. "Yeah, right."

"Then what's the fucking problem?"

Sephiroth stared at him flatly until Reno, bored, wiped at the blood on his nose, trying to clean it but actually only managing to smear it around. He caught Reno's wrist and, without looking away from his eyes, stuck Reno's index finger in his mouth, cleaning the blood off with his tongue and his teeth.

"S...sick," Reno muttered, staring as he did the same with his second finger, then his thumb.

And Sephiroth's eyes crinkled in that half-smile. "It's my blood, stupid."

"It's gross." The ring finger, then the pinky to the hilt, even though it had no blood on it, the feel of his wet, pulsing tongue making it jerk involuntarily. He scraped it with his teeth, and then released it with a popping sound.

"You shouldn't have touched it, then," Sephiroth said calmly, looking strange with all that blood still on his face, drying to black.

"Blood fetishist," Reno accused. Then swallowed. "So you really were serious. That blood shit really turns you on?"

Sephiroth nodded solemnly, moved to grab Reno's wrists and pulled them above his head, mouth at his ear. "And isn't it ironic that you are a vampire fetishist?"

"Not fair," he managed before Sephiroth bit him, hard. He jerked and made that fucking embarrassing noise that was way too high and squeaky to be made by a boy. Reno heard Sephiroth chuckle into his neck and he flushed, raging, struggling against his tight grip on his wrists.

"Let me go," he said, so angry he was dead calm.

Sephiroth lifted his head from where he had been almost chewing on his neck and looked him in the eyes. He appeared to consider Reno's command for a moment. Then he kissed him softly, tonguing Reno's bottom lip thoughtfully, seeming to linger and savor the taste of him.

And he abruptly broke away, releasing his hands and standing. Without a word, he went into the bathroom. Reno could see him washing the blood off his hands and face, because he hadn't closed the door.

Reno wiped his mouth off; Sephiroth had tasted like blood, and it kind of grossed him out. But then he realized that he was free now and he jumped up, reaching for the doorknob to their room and turning it halfway before...

He stopped. And let his hand drop. And sighed. And waited until Sephiroth toweled his face off and came back into the hall.

Sephiroth smiled and barked a laugh. "So, when did you get so patient?"

Reno shrugged and motioned him closer. Grabbing his arm, he pressed Sephiroth's hand to the knob and covered his eyes with his hands.

This time, Sephiroth's laugh was so reverberating that it made him blush angrily, but he didn't uncover his eyes. The knob turned; the door creaked open. Sephiroth's arm twined around his back and led him to the center of the room, turned him just so...

Sephiroth buried his face in his thin neck again and pulled Reno's hands down so he could see.

Reno was speechless, for once in his life. Except for one word, filled with awe. "Fuck..."

There was a table in the middle of the room, a new one. With two chairs. And on the table...

Boxes of Magic: the Gathering cards. At least ten of those huge long boxes just filled with cards, booster packs scattered between them and on them like candy, boxes of card protectors, fancy counter disks, expansion decks, a thick, foot-long tube filled with all kinds of dice...

His mind was buzzing out of control; it was too much at once. His feet were moving unconsciously toward the bit of heaven spread across the small wooden table, his hand unconsciously picking up an expansion deck and smelling it...

The greatest smell...ever made...

...but still a very good smell, anyway...

"This is the greatest gift anyone has ever given me, Seph," he murmured, running his hands across one of the large long cardboard boxes as a woman would have felt a velvet jewelry box.

"Then, I'm sorry, Re," Sephiroth responded behind him. "I have to tell you that this isn't for you."

Still feeling the box, he looked back at Sephiroth, horrified and speechless at his cruelty.

A soft smile. "It's for...me."

Reno's eyes widened and he stared at him for a long minute before realizing the import of that statement. "You mean you're going to...fucking play with me?" Incredulous, and so hopeful that it kind of hurt.

A nod. "Yes. I don't know how, though. So you'll have to teach me."

A moment of silence.

"This is the hottest thing you've ever said to me."

Another nod.

Another moment of silence.

Reno swallowed. "Fuck."

And then he leapt on him.

I see her face, right in front of me, and the sleep that came to me so easily before eludes me now. She really hated me. And I...when I looked at her, I choked on my tongue and her black evil almost swallowed me. Or perhaps that was my own evil, my personal hatred mirrored back to her and then to me, exponentially.

I'm too cowardly to be called truly good any longer.

A truly good person would have tried to redeem her. I'm selfish, and I am not brave. Did I always say the word "destroy?" Yes, "destroy." That was it. But what I did was more than that. I murdered her. She was a human being. Some woman once spent nine months with that evil witch in her womb. Someone gave birth to her, nursed her, fed her, clothed her, raised her, loved her...

Lucrecia was married. I've made a widower with my hands. And I don't have the courage to tell him. I should. Even if he is as evil as she, even if he wishes to kill me, Hojo deserves... something. Does he even know where she is, that he will never see her again? That she truly is burning in hell?

Vincent loved her, and perhaps he still loves her. I thought I saw that in him. He said he doesn't care about her; I don't...believe him. It's too easy, too comforting, too simple. What a...strange relationship I have with him. What would he think if he had not admired me? A dramatic stranger, wanting to kill his lover and save his soul? My motivations were (and are) always sing-song and petty. Selfish. I wanted him for myself, and I wanted to kill her for having him first. It was that simple.

Or maybe it is a little more complicated. It's true that she was base. It's true that destroying her was a duty that I needed to perform. It's true that she has helped to ruin the lives of people I care about. She would have done the same to others, if she had been left free to do so. And I would not have killed her if these things were not true...if she had been a good woman, I could have left Vincent alone. Perhaps.

Maybe my selfishness can be hidden behind those happy rationales, but it does not stop the fact that I enjoyed it. Enjoyed freeing him, freeing my new friends, but mostly enjoyed freeing myself from the possibility of her. And now, late at night, I pay the price for it. Slowly, slowly, in fat tears, in hitching breath, in lack of sleep and bloodshot eyes. In the fact that I can't kiss him without seeing her face as the demon ripped her open from shoulder to navel, without recalling the acidic shock that swept through me at the sight, because I caused it. In the way that Vincent looks at me as if I was something pure and good, when I'm really nothing compared to anything. Especially him. Because he was always only a beautiful victim.

Vincent. I...don't know what I can tell you. I don't deserve... I have killed someone that you loved.

I wonder, will that ever truly be all right?

I wish that it was as simple as I boasted it would be. Maybe I was in the right, but maybe it was all as gray as she said, and maybe I was in the wrong. Maybe when we fought we were both gray; maybe the only difference was the gradient. I was not perfect and she was not completely evil. So the key, the difference was in the degree.

Is this the way the knight feels, when the dragon is dead? Covered in its dark blood and unable to touch the prize?

So when I hear you move across the room, when you rock the bed and curl up behind me I think that it is a dream. I freeze, wondering why you are not biting me, hitting me. If you had done to me what I have done to you, I would have hated you.

I pretend that I am asleep, so you do not go away.

You are very strange. You carefully pull the blanket up and your head hits the pillow with a soft sound. Your arm slips around my waist. I can feel your bare torso against my back, your breath against my neck. I think I hear you mutter something, but I can't hear you because I'm trying to keep my body perfectly still, trying to breathe slowly and separate from the slow, fat, guilty tears that course down my cheeks to my pillow. It becomes uncomfortably sticky, but moving my head would be suspicious, so I don't move. I don't want you to worry, because it isn't your fault. It's mine.

And it's just a nightly ritual, mourning for a person I did not even like. And it is already almost over, the tears run out. And finally I no longer have to command myself to breathe slowly, and I can stay still and listen to you sleep with me.

God, I love you, Vincent. You are so strange. You believed everything I ever said to you without a moment's hesitation, without any mistrust. And you are so protective of me, as if I were that precious, good, brave person that I could have been if I had never met you.

I wish I was brave enough to tell you that I love you. Please don't leave until I find out what is wrong with me. At least, do not leave me after what I had to do. I don't deserve anything, but it was...a very hard thing that I did for us. The dragon covered me in her blood, and I will be heartbroken if I do not get to clean off the filthy stuff and claim some sort of compensation.

Hopefully in the form of a beautiful bizarre man, you. If I do not somehow, miraculously get you out of this, then I will be disconsolate.

I shift, slightly. You are asleep. Either that or you are pretending like I am. I like to think you are sleeping, because you are naturally more honest than me. The weight of your arm at my waist is making me sleepy, heavy lidded, a feather's touch of nervousness. It makes me want to turn and wake you up, to see if I can't convince you to touch me after all.

But...I don't because I am and always will be a coward. And besides, I think that I would like you to touch me on your own. I do not want to have to persuade you to love me. Decorum aside, part of me still wonders how much you could desire me. By the way Lucrecia spoke...you have been indecent in the past.

Would it hurt you to be indecent again? Would it be narcissistic to imagine that you could be telling me the truth? Would it hurt us more than it would help me, if I did that to you?

I will leave the end result up to you, then. I will be your friend, I will help you with anything, everything. I will try to wash off the dragon's blood.

And I will try to sleep. Really, truly, this time.

You are not a damsel, not an abuser, not some replacement in my messed up mind for a mother... not anything I can put into neat little packages. You are not a sonnet, not a collection of false flatteries... not poisoned words. I think you are good. I know you are good.

So why do you worry me?

If it were simple, I might just tell you. And would laugh that little laugh of yours and tell me that I was silly. I would like that, too. I like being told when I take things far too seriously, when I am being overly dramatic... when I need to act real.

Maybe it is because I cannot protect you. Maybe it is because you can protect me. Yes, it is a blow to my male sensibilities. But even more so, seeing what you did... I suppose I should have been far more angry with you. It is not your fault, though. It is mine.

I wonder if you heard me, in that half dead state. I hoped you did. Oh, you worried me then. Far more worry than I have ever experienced before. I hope never to repeat that. I want to hide you away from all this... but I cannot. You have decided to attach yourself to me. I have complications, I am sorry.

You worry me, for your innocence.

It is cheesy, I know. But you have killed now. I do not remember if I have killed... I might have. She would certainly have liked that. But you... you have not the same taste for it. I cannot help but like that side of you too... you are destructive under it all. I think maybe you were a Valkyrie once, but this lifetime buried you in your shy attitude.

You worry me also, because I know you are not shy.

Be patient with me. Fear and obsession draw very fine lines with me. Maybe all this teenage angst and demonology has been a bit of a hamper on my development. Maybe I am just a hungry beast inside this barely calm body. Even as you were poisoned and convulsing in my arms, I guiltily reveled in the contact. I am a glutton, you see.

I worry, milady... but please worry not for me.

---

Shit, you worry the hell out of me.

Yes, BOTH of you. Shera, you’re one lucky little superchild. You know that? So many people care so DAMN much about you. And Mr. Tough Guy Zack? Don’t think that act is fooling me for a second. I wrote the book on bravado. I own it.

Gods, I have no idea how you two lasted this long. So... unworldly. You both are so smart about certain things... but so DUMB sometimes. Good thing I’m full of all sorts of nonuseful knowledge... or you guys would be sunk, huh?

Sometimes... I wish I could stick all your good parts into one person. You do realize that together you’re the perfect person, right? Shera, you’re so smart and pretty and female... Zack, you’re so steadfast and brave and comforting... the perfect person. Sure, it’s twice the baggage, but we’re at that “age” as my mom says.

Oh gods... I still have to tell her. Maybe some other time. I love you guys, so that’s all that matters. Even if I’ve lost more sleep in the last three weeks than... well, ever. And don’t you even think about luring me to sleeping with my angry girl music... it just pumps me up. And I’ll rage on you.

Don’t think I won’t.

Did I ever tell you that you both have the same eyes? Blue. I was supposed to have blue eyes... my brothers all have blue eyes. Not as pretty as yours. I got dad’s eyes. Brown and dull. You really don’t get how lucky I feel with you two. Really.

And brunettes too. You’d think I was Re, for what I ended up with. Though, I don’t really think I had a preference. Hell, I thought Cloud was cute, didn’t I? And so did you, Shera. Zack? Well, you’re a straight man. That much is clear. Though, it is cute that you two have the same hair.

I hope that your body never fully turns on you Shera. Or that creeping bitterness to you, Zack. I’ll fend it off as best I can. I have to. I’m not good for anything else, yanno.

Maybe... I worry because someday... someday you’ll figure out who you are. And who I am. And it won’t fit so well.

You worry me, lovelies, because that’s all I can do.

---

I am wracked with worry.

Sure, we got caught up in the project, and I can admit now that I was far more into it than our marriage... but you just HAD to toy with them like that. You just HAD to replace me, didn’t you? Did you see me gallivanting off with female subjects? I heard of what you did, gods, I found you one time. But I never said anything because... you were brilliant. You were always brilliant, Lu.

And now? I can’t find you. Anywhere.

The heart’s filthy lesson... is that I have one. Always have, and always will, Lu. Why I wasted it on you? I’ll never know. You always knew how damn pretty you were, didn’t you? Were? No, why am I talking like this. You’re not gone. You’re hiding. Are you hiding with HIM? He’s a boy, Lu!

We are defined by our jealousy... my darling. You were always jealous of my god, and I, I was jealous of your goddess. What a pretty pair we made. Maybe Gast was right. We needed counseling.

We need counseling. I refuse to believe that you are gone. You are not gone.

You’re just so stubborn. You know that? You are a thing of beauty, yet you waste your time with monstrosities, while I have grown far less polished than I was in my youth... and strive for perfection. We did well, together; working on Strife was almost like the old days... the nostalgic times.

Don’t worry, me, pretty. I’ll destroy everything to get to you. Do you know that? I’d even give up my God for you. Silly meddling children... I hope to see them all soon. First the wastlings, then the failures, and yes darling, even our son. I’ll destroy HIM too, so you had better not hide him from me. It’s his fault you aren’t with me now. I see that now.

It’ll all... burn... and we can be free, can’t we? You and me, and the Gasts too... all those sniveling children. That puppet leader of yours. All our mistakes washed away.

You worry me, darling... but it’ll all be over soon.

Well as normal as they could be, sneaking into Sephiroth's room at night or vice versa.

But he was good at sneaking, especially now. And Seph? The man never made a sound.

Well, he did, but not while sneaking.

So his mother being home when Reno got back from school and Sephiroth at work didn't bother him too much. "Reno, honey, you want to talk to me?"

Reno blanched, then tried to look as if he hadn't. He opened the refrigerator and side-glanced at her, but he couldn't read anything into her expression.

"Uh...what about?" he asked, trying to sound confused as he reached for the orange juice.

What does she know? Could she have heard us? Did she find out about how that fucking stupid vase got broken?

Shit.

Her back was to him then, doing something at the stove, making dinner probably, bringing a reminder of a failed attempt at making chicken parmesan. Not so much a failed attempt as a "forgotten about when other things came up" attempt.

She wiped a bit of hair from her face. "Is there anything you want to tell me, honey?"

Reno scratched his nose, acting like he was thinking. He hated, HATED lying.

Especially to her.

"Ah, nothing really. Why, Mom?" he sipped and the tangy juice attacked the inside of his cheeks. He forgot how much he hated orange juice.

She turned down the heat on the stove and crossed back over to the table and sat down. Reno had his father's eyes, his mothers were a pale green. "Well, just, you're finally thinking about college, and all this. I just want to make sure everything is alright." She smiled. "Your mommy worries, you're my only boy you know."

Reno felt his heart clench. This was going to be too hard.

"Um...I think so?" He clenched his teeth, still smiling. That sounded so stupid, so unbelievable. He felt his heart beating too hard, too hard, like a bird beating on his ribs.

"I mean..." he ducked his head.

Sipped the orange juice, made a face.

What was she worried about? His grades? They were good. How he never had a girlfriend? Maybe that was it...

"Are you worried that...I've never had a girlfriend before?" he asked, and that blush was back again, and he couldn't bring himself to look at her.

His mother raised a red eyebrow at him. "I wasn't going to go there…but since you did, is there anything you want to tell me?"

Reno swallowed. Hard. Shit. Trapped by himself. Worst kind.

What to say? "Uh...I guess I just wanted to tell you not to worry about it..." He ducked his head again, knowing that that he looked incredibly suspicious when he lied.

Should I just tell her? Sephiroth told me I could if I wanted to. Am I ashamed of him? What is my fucking problem...

"I...uh...do have one, mom."

Oh, shit.

"I mean..." Blushing, hurting his cheeks. "I mean I...don't have a GIRLfriend...but I..." The countertop was very very interesting. "...do have a...boyfriend." And then waited, for whatever reaction she could give him.

There was a little snort from his mother, something that sounded like "figures". She tapped her hands against her glass. "And this boyfriend wouldn’t be the reason you are going to Junon is he?"

Reno looked up at her, shocked. "I...yes." A moment. "You're not mad at me?"

She fixed him with a firm look. "I don't care what you do with your personal life, Re. But college is important and shouldn't be chosen because of a fling with some cute boy."

"I..." That was not what he had been expecting. At all. "Well, yes...." he trailed off and felt as if his mind was congealing like jello.

"You're YOUNG Re, and I want you to remember that just because you have someone NOW doesn't mean you will you're whole life. Look how many boyfriends your sister's gone through? And every one is like the love of her life. I just want you to make RENO'S choices, not…" She moved her hand. "I mean, just cause your father and I met in HighSchool and lasted through college, not everything works that way."

Reno rubbed his face, grinning. Damn, what a crazy lady his mother was. "No, don't worry about that, either. Aeris, Loz and Nan are going to that school too. Plus, it's the best photography school I could get into."

He set his glass down. "But you're right. I wouldn't be going there if it wasn't for him. He was the one that told me about it." He trailed off, twirling his glass.

"So how long have you been seeing Seph and is that why you brought him here?" She used THAT tone. The "I don't want you having sex in my house" tone.

Reno put his hands up defensively. "Ah, no. At first, it was just because he needed a place to stay, really. And it's been for a ...couple weeks, I guess."

Oh, shit. Please don't ask if we're having sex. That would be so, SO awkward.

He winced internally, trying to think of something to distract her with, but came up with nothing.

"Are you being careful?" His mother asked. Yup, she went there, slam dunk, right where he didn't want to go.

Blushing scarlet, he almost choked on his tongue.

Way to get straight to the point

"Uh, yeah. Yeah, we are." The way he said "we" made him blush even more, blood rushing through his ears until he couldn't hear. This conversation was so surreal.

She sighed, seemed…well, not pleased be appeased. "Not in my house." She said firmly as though she knew every little detail. "And you may want to tell your father before you two move into a dorm room together. I don't want you’re your grades to suffer. Understood?"

He heard nothing but the word "father". "Ah about dad. How will he…" he trailed off, blushing harder than before. "I mean, do you think he'll…kill me?" Reno finally made eye contact with her, trailing his fingers over the glass.

His mother stood up and walked over to him, pulling him into a big hug. She was so damned, LITTLE, funny how she could make him feel safe. "Honey," she patted his back and tucked a bit of hair behind his ear. "Honey, we love you, anything that makes you happy makes us happy. We just want to make sure you don't do something to hurt yourself in the long run."

Reno half laughed, half choked. So his fears were unfounded. "Thank- thank you, mom."

He held her for a few moments, small in his arms, feeling dominant and comforted and so strange. “This has all happened so fast…I had no idea what you guys would think..."

She sighed. "I mean… it's not what we expected. Your little friend Tseng had a crush on you for ages…" His mother crossed the room and dug in the cabinets, pouring milk in a pan and making cocoa, her answer to everything. "Don't expect your father to, ah, not be shocked, Reno. But he loves you, he does."

She leaned back on the table. "I don't know how he'll like your boyfriend living here though."

"Ah…" Reno blushed. There really was no getting around that part. "I guess not… sorry. I wonder where he's going to go, though."

"I'll talk to him, but you have to promise me to behave in the house, and we can leave out the other details, alright? He's a good boy, I like him, but this isn't something I really expected and I KNOW your father isn't. He still thinks you have a thing for Elena."

Reno burst into nervous laughter. "Elena!?" He laughed too hard, choking for breath. "I guess I might have at one point but now that just sounds rediculous."

He looked at her, coming back around to the point. "And don't worry about us, alright? I really like him, and it's going to be fine."

His mother laughed back. "Well dear, you have to agree that she looks nothing like Seph. So I suppose she's not your type."

Reno shook his head in disbelief, not truly believing that his mother could be comparing Sephiroth and Elena as lovers for him. It was really...really surreal. "Yeah, I guess you're right."

What would Sephiroth think about the way he was talking? He would probably be slack-jawed in disbelief, but Reno had never treated his mother with the caustic tongue he gave everyone else. She was different, and he couldn't be like that with her.

She frowned. "Alright then. I trust you." She stood and patted his arm. "You should talk to your father soon." With that she turned and went back to cooking. "Oh and be grateful your dad is a much deeper sleeper than I am."

Reno hurriedly swallowed the rest of his orange juice, not wanting to waste the nasty stuff, dimly noting how his cheeks were burning inside and out. He stood up quicky, almost overturning the stool, and escaped, calling a muffled, "Okay," over his shoulder at her.

Reno hurriedly swallowed the rest of his orange juice, not wanting to waste the nasty stuff, dimly noting how his cheeks were burning inside and out. He stood up quicky, almost overturning the stool, and escaped, calling a muffled, "Okay," over his shoulder at her.

Shit. Dad. I can't talk to him, I can't talk to him about this. Mom was wrong. How in the hell would she know how he would take it? He's going to sucker punch me.

He leaned against the wall, mouth open.

Or something like that...

He felt an overwhelming panic set in, like he was about to take a test that was impossible to prepare for. "Shit," he mumbled, "Shit, shit shit...shit..."

Cussing did nothing to bolster his spirits, so he closed his eyes, a bit overwhelmed. Everything was going to change. He hated that.

Seph, why aren't you home? He frowned at himself, thinking that sounded a bit needy. Shit, who am I kidding? I'm a fucking uke. He laughed nervously to himself. Didn't see that one coming...

Well, that doesn't make you anything less of a fucking awesome kid, does it? He asked himself. If anything, you're more awesome now. I mean, you're not a virgin anymore. You have a beautiful boyfriend. You're going to go to college. Everything's going to be fine, right?

He opened the door to the basement, trying to remember again why he was gay. He set up the reasons in his mind, trying not to feel as if he was setting himself up so his father could knock him down.

The door creaked open, that same creak as every time. And his dad was there, looking up at him and wiping his forehead because the basement never got good air. Reno's heart clenched and he knew he must have looked like a scared little shit, like Sephiroth always said he was.

He made himself walk down the steps, walk to the old desk where his dad was making a model car. And he tried not to stare at anything too long, tried to be natural. It was difficult, more so than it should have been.

"Hey, dad. Which one is that?" he asked, trying to smooth his voice into some semblance of normalcy.

"How you doin, son?" He looked over the car with a smile. "Its a Shelby Cobra. Maybe after you graduate from college and are a famous photographer ya can buy me one eh?" He laughed then. He'd been very happy to hear that Reno was going to college.

Reno tried to force a laugh and it sort of worked and sort of left him with no defenses. "We'll see, old man."

He scratched his neck, desperate for an easy way into it. He could never think of something when it really counted to say things right...

"Hand me that red paint there?" His dad made a motion for it and adjusted glasses over his blue eyes. He tipped the brush into the water, it always amazed Reno how good the colors looked. Reno supposed maybe the eye for color came from his father too. "You look upset? Got woman problems or something?"

Reno started coughing, then got a hold of himself. "Um...not exactly, dad."

"Good to hear, women are trouble." He wasn't watching Reno while he painted. "So you just come down here to laugh at an old man painting toys or what?"

"Um, no, dad. Not really..." he trailed off, breathing out in a rush. "I came down here to tell you that I'm gay." For a moment, he could feel the world kind of spinning under his feet, but it was probably just the rush of blood in his ears. He was sort of proud how it came out so smoothly, listened to it flow past his ears and to his father like flowing water.

His father started and fumbled with the car a second before managing to place it back on the table. He coughed and cleared his throat. "Ah, son? Did you just tell me you were gay?"

Reno clenched his teeth, breathed through his nose, and nodded. "Yeah, I did."

His father nodded and still focused on the car. "So when did you decide this?"

He scratched his head, avoiding having to look at him. "A month ago."

"So what if a pretty girl comes along next month?" Still his father focused on the car.

"I probably...wouldn't even see her, actually," he responded quietly.

"Not even that cute little brunette girl that was by… you aren't seeing that gothic kid with the long hair are you?" Finally he turned and looked at Reno.

Reno shook his head emphatically. "No way, that guy's a bitch." Seeing his father's face turn into a scow, he quickly inserted, "Um...I mean, no. I'm not seeing that guy. Him and the brunette girl, actually..." He put two fingers together and sighed.

"No...I'm actually seeing Sephiroth." And now he probably would explode all over him. Reno tensed.

His father looked at him blankly for longer than was comfortable. Reno couldn't read the expression.

Reno swallowed quickly and turned away, trusting to his stupid mouth. "But that's not the reason why he's here. He really did need a place to stay. All of this stuff sort of happened after that, and um..." he trailed off, scratching his head. "Sorry."

His father remained quiet for a long while. "Heh, never would have pegged him as gay."

Reno stared at him in amazement, wondering dimly why he wasn't getting punched in the face. "What?"

He frowned. "And this is what you want?"

Reno nodded, unable to say anything for once.

His dad ran a hand through his hair. "Well I suppose it's not all bad. At least I don't have to worry about ya getting' knocked up now do I?"

Reno choked, laughing nervously. "Uh...no. I guess not..."

"Just… don't do anything like that in front of your sisters… I don't want to confuse them, alright?" He turned back to the car for a long while before taking another deep breath and turning to look at Reno again. "I'm not disappointed in you Reno, a little shocked, but it's your life."

Shocked, Reno could only nod. "Ah, of course not, Dad." He swallowed and bit his lip. "Uh...thank you. Thanks."

"At least it's not that gothic kid. Christ what a fruit." His dad turned back and kept painting. "Always thought you had a thing for that Elena girl too. She's real cute, let me guess, all three of you are gay huh? Se, Elle and you?"

Reno coughed and laughed at the same time again. "Actually, you're right. I don't know how you know that, but you're right."

"Figures. Just don't start getting into fights about it, alright? Yer boyfriend's built like a mac truck, let him do it."

"Uh...I'll try not to, dad." He rubbed his nose. Both his parents took it so strangely. Not bad...but not like he had expected.

"And you don't like dress up like a chick do you?" His dad asked and then quickly added. "Not that there is anything wrong with that if you do but it creeps your old man out."

Reno shook his head, eyes wide. "No way."

His dad looked relieved. "Good. So I can still say I've got a son then."

Reno nodded. "Yeah, definitely a boy still."

"Don't worry about that."

His dad nodded. "And he can stay, alright? Just... just don't let me know about anything alright?"

"He can stay!?" Reno tried not to sound as incredulous as he felt. "Really?"

"Yeah, he can stay. Just… don't forget college is for school, Reno."

Reno nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah, I won't."

I didn’t really know how I’d gotten here, miles away from where I’d started. I’d smacked my personal demon a good one. I’d told Elena to quit trying to be a martyr. I’d told myself to stop being a wuss.

And I finally asked him.

For someone so immaculate in his appearance, his desk is messy. It takes me a few minutes, fumbling around between candy wrappers; he always had a sweet tooth, before I find the folder that my once innocent mind had mistaken as proof of his philanthropy.

What was it you said again, Rufus, about them?

“You can’t just let the ignorant masses think for themselves Tseng... some are chosen to be above and some... are just trash. I pulled you out of the trash... why don’t you just rise above it?”

“Do you love me?”

I didn’t need to ask. We were talking about them, about Reno and Elena and Zack and all those good normal kids... I didn’t need to ask. I don’t even need to think about this now; the folder is in my hands... I just need to get out of here.

The list.... the codenames and all that.... the secrets, I have them. But why can’t I leave?

I’m vengeful. Maybe that’s why. Maybe because... maybe I just want to screw over the one who screwed me. Maybe because his office holds far too many memories. Yes, I’m a whore, I accept this. But I didn’t want to be.

You lose, Rufus.

“What relevance does that have to this discussion?”

“You shouldn’t turn your back on me, Tseng... I know how much you like it. I know everything about you and your family. And your supposed friends.”

There are fifty or so ways to lose your lover. It just took me walking out of a room to do it. One step. But there aren’t any steps to destroy your lover. So I’m making this up as a go along.

Fire? No, that’s Seph’s style. Theft? Yuffie’s. I didn’t have a style at all... but that key, dangling from a peg on a wall intrigues me. Maybe I needed a little of everyone’s style... maybe... maybe I would bring the thing that can launch the attack on all that dear Rufus holds to so much regard.

Without his army, he’ll be nothing. That’ll be step one. Next, I would have to get rid of his contacts....

Oh, I was a spiteful little thing, deep down. Maybe because he was partially right... I was nothing without him. Nothing but a vengeful little Wutain without anyone. Not even a wizard in his own right yet.

But maybe... I didn’t need to be anything yet. So when I snatched the key, and lit the match, dropping in from the air duct that I had shimmied into... I couldn’t help but smile.

There was a reason that martial law superceded the government. Well, Rufus, I hope you’re happy. I hope that fucking with me was worth it.

Because it’s my turn to fuck with you.

I'm… I'm off kilter. I'm evil, right? Or am I not? God my head hurts and it isn't because of a lack of sanity. I'm just …

I'm the leader, but I'm not anymore. I'm the bad guy but I'm not anymore, I'm the one that's wrong.

Gods. I had no right to touch him! Why didn't I just go along with them? Why did I fight it? Isn't it easier to just go along, I'd be free.

I like fighting, gods, with Jenova I felt alive. Blood, fire it all assaulted me and I felt alive. My pulse raced and I understood that. I knew I was powerful, I had my place I knew it I know ME. I was Sephiroth I was ALIVE.

Not as alive as I feel with him. Gods damnit, there I go again. I have no right to feel that way. Why does he make me feel good, how can he make me like myself when I'm not supposed to?

Loz asked me once, what it was like to think all the time in your head. He seems to need to project his thoughts. I wish I could do that like he does. He speaks and no one questions because he cannot lie. They all assume I cannot tell the truth. Even when I shout it no one thinks I mean it. Everyone treats me like I'm this evil pet Reno managed to tame.

They've messed with the system, they've made it better. I don't think I'm supposed to be a leader, even though that's how I think of myself. I feel lost now, without that stigma, without that title. They don't want me and I have no where else to go.

They all watch me, the way I clench my fist or jaw, the way that I watch a match burn… why should I still go out of my way when they don't TRUST me?

Reno trusts me.

Is that why I'm good? Because I like the way he makes me feel about everything? Is that… god's he'd be fine if I wouldn't have fucking butted into his life! What did I DO that to him for?

Everyone mistrusts me and all I have is him. Is that wrong of me? God damnit Strife, why didn't you just finish it? I only had one place in life and you moved into it. It's better that you're there, but WHY am I still here?

I don't know what I am anymore; I just know that Reno makes me feel good.

I should know more than this by now. I shouldn't… I shouldn't be so dependant on someone I broke.

Or, perhaps that night had already come and gone without ceremony, the night before Lucrecia had torn open his untainted brain and inundated it with her own blackened perversion.

Itch, itch; the crème had worn off, leaving that spot with the black thread itching and so slimy. He tried not to touch it.

Sephiroth was asleep beside him. He always slept on his side, half-fetal, with both hands cupped near his face as if he were hiding. As if those hands were a wall against the world, against the insanity that was his birthright, against inevitability. The face they half-hid was calm.

That calm, perfect face...he wanted to...

Emotion. But blacker than he had known before. His new brain, twisting the thoughts around. His eyes wouldn't rest. Would they ever stop? Were they going to be dancing around this room for the rest of time?

Rest on Sephiroth's face. Quit the dance. Maybe he should pull those hands away from that face, bite him until he woke, make him promise again, make him listen.

What a mess, came the thought. Elena...Elena was right. Damn her.

You knew it, though. You can't say you weren't listening. You can't say that some part of you knew this thing of yours with Sephiroth was unnatural. You can't say that it was a good idea. You can't say anything in your own defense. You did this to yourself. If you cry now, it would be hypocritical.

Now you are just like him in another way. ANOTHER. Back then, when you took him home with you, if you could have seen into the future, if you knew how inextricably intertwined you would become, would you have left him stricken next to that car, to save yourself from this?

No.

No? Really? Why not?

No. I just...wouldn’t. Stop it.

So, maybe there is something there, which might last in the space between his face and the wall of his hands.

Reno’s eyes were flickering between, searching Sephiroth out. His hand stretched forward, hovering over his half-covered face.

Maybe.

Tell me. Do you...love him, then?

The hand trembled, an inch away. He swallowed.

Do I...have a choice?

What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

A touch. He gripped the fingers; Sephiroth was still real, and alive; he frowned in his sleep.

It means...shit, how long have I known him? Two weeks? Why did...I want to kill Cloud for touching him? Why have I given myself to him so quickly? Everything is so knit together that I can hardly see the strands any more.

And this is supposed to mean...what?

I couldn't leave him. Ever. They've made me sacrifice so fucking much for him...

He pulled down on the hands, bending Sephiroth's arms at the elbows. Break the wall of his sleep.

It would be a waste. They made me like him, and now all I can do is follow him, a stupid shadow. He's the only one who can understand now. Maybe, Jenova was right. Maybe I really did need to be refined, just to be worthy of sleeping with him.

That's shit and you know it.

He reclined until his head hit the mattress, face next to his face, but now Sephiroth was frowning without his wall. Scratch, scratch at the stitches. It felt like it was eating him alive.

He is very beautiful. Not like a girl. Like a...very important man. Like a president. People should listen to him. Maybe I should tell him.

I cannot believe you are blushing again, you stupid shit. You need mental help.

You're right. I won't. He'd let it get to his fucking head.

...Aeris is right. You are insane. There is more than one voice in your head.

Pressure, ragged breath, jaw clenched.

Don't cry, you shit. When was the last time you cried before all of this started? Shit, you've been crying every day since you met him. Fucking stop it, you're making me sick.

Scratch, scratch. Oily, black thread like spider legs under his fingers.

So...he is my first boyfriend. And I can never leave him because of what an insane dead woman did to me. Before this, there was always the chance that we would leave each other eventually. But now....is it possible, now? Could I be without him? Who else would understand the scars on my head? Who else would make me want to fucking kill for them?

But what if...one day he outgrows you? After all, you were the one who had to change for him. What if he surpasses you again? What if he wakes up one day and spits in your face?

That pressure again - he couldn't handle it. Tears sparked at the edges and he growled to himself, scratching.

He never...spit on me before this. He...probably wouldn't. Would he?

He felt himself stretched into a thousand selves.

I want...mom. I want to talk to her...before...tomorrow. She must be worried about me. I haven’t seen her...for days. Since before I was kidnapped.

And tomorrow...tomorrow you will have to take that medicine. You can't stay in this room with him forever. You can't just hide. Tomorrow, this person you call yourself will die, and someone else will be there instead.

She’ll probably...cry when she sees the stitches. Won’t she.

Sephiroth was still frowning in his sleep. One of Reno's hands reached up to twine with one of his long bangs, the other stayed to dance with the oily spiders. Scratch.

Something wet fell in his ear, and he realized that he was fucking crying again, and it was too late to hide it when Sephiroth's eyes finally shot open at the touch on his hair. An animal, for a moment, like always. Then his mouth parted, eyes narrowing in concern, but before he could say anything, Reno pressed his face to the mattress and sobbed silently, hating himself for letting Sephiroth see it.

Just...spit on me now! Get it over with!

An intake of breath, an expulsion. "Re. Oh, Re..."

Don't touch me...please...don't.

"No, Re...please..." a touch on his shoulder, his neck, his back. His breath was ragged, empathetic. "Don't, don't. Re...oh, Gods."

Reno gritted his teeth. "Sorry, sorry," between the tears, between the fitful gulps.

"No, no, Re. I meant..." Sephiroth pulled Reno to him, to his chest, arms around. "No, it's okay. It's alright, Reno."

Which made him choke more, which made him splutter on his tears, which made him reveal to Sephiroth even more, even more.

Give it to him. It will be alright.

So he clenched his shirt, his hair, his skin. Sephiroth rubbed his back, circles, like his mother.

"Gods, Re. Gods." A murmur. Did he sound as if he was close to tears, as well?

"Sorry, sorry, fuck." He took in a deep, shuddering breath. "I don't..."

"It's alright, Re. It will be alright. I swear." His voice rumbled directly from his chest to Reno’s face.

A choke, another gasp, and then he was calmer, tears still leaking from his eyes. “S...sorry.” Couldn’t control yourself. Embarrassing. You just wanted attention.

An answering sigh. “Reno, shush. You don’t have to tell me.”

His chest smelled like wet salt and more like Sephiroth, soothing him into inhaling deeply. And Sephiroth was still drawing his mother’s circles on his back when Reno finally fell asleep, and still held him folded in his arms while he dreamed, building him a wall with his hands.

Shera, huddling in the corner, her eyes bugging out anytime she made a noise. Shera, a little too jumpy for normal. Shera... why hadn’t she seen her smile lately?

She’s the strategist. You heard her muttering.

One Elena did know, despite her behavior, was that Shera was sane. And would remain so if she had any say. Shera was too smart for her own body or something... that was it. Maybe she just needed to keep her more active?

It was hard to be in love with people who always had trouble following them. Zack wasn’t bad in that respect... trouble just showed up to his restaurant. But it kept trying to steal Shera... so much that she’d stopped going to school. Elena had to devise creative ways to skip in order to keep an eye on her.

Yes, it was smothery. Yes, she was obsessing. But this was Shera. Someone so capable; she didn’t deserve to be as helpless as she’d been acting.

Thank the gods Zack’s such a help. Even you, proud stubborn you, can depend on him.

She was in the corner again. Without the muttering, but with that sort of tired look on her face. If her parents didn’t have to work so hard to keep them all fed, she’d take her to talk with Mom... for Elena wasn’t maternal enough.

But maybe, this time, Shera didn’t need to be held. Maybe... maybe she just needed to hit something.

“You want to practice with your knife some? Valentine said you should, remember?” Not that she cared what that prudish Goth thought... in fact, she almost wanted to slug him for whatever he might have said to Shera. But she didn’t want to get eaten. It was troublesome.

“...You sure? You’re not... busy or something?” Always afraid of intruding. Hell, she lived with her. They were family now. There were no intrusions in her house.

“C’mon. You need some exercise.” She pulled her up from her seat easily, she was so light, and dragged her outside. Shera always carried the knife on her person, so there were no retrieval problems. The only problem might be Elena herself... unarmed, only capable of grappling... she might not be a good partner for practice.

But that really wasn’t the issue. The issue was getting Shera out into the fresh autumn air.

“Geez, El, you sure pull hard...” she said with a twinkle in her eye. Not a complaint; a tease. Shera was a natural tease. It was getting harder for Elena to be “good” around her. Or around Zack for that matter. She sure as heck wasn’t a prude... but they both got SO embarrassed about any contact. So she backed off.

“Alrighty, do you need to use me as a target or something?” she asked, watching as the other girl fiddled with the blade. Shera shrugged.

“Just need to practice jabbing with something in my hand. You should stay away from that... you look plenty fine without any holes in you.” Elena smirked. Plenty fine? Well, that was nice...

“Well, jab away! I’m gonna to run around like a crazy kid now,” she replied, and did as she said. She liked the weather around now... despite the urban setting. And spinning around until she was sick from dizzy was always the best way to enjoy it. She couldn’t think. Couldn’t worry.

“Block. Jab. Jab. Block.” Shera muttered under her breath. So focused while Elena twirled around like a kid on crack. Maybe she could fool Shera into thinking there was no worry. No pain. Just... leaves in the wind or something crazy poetic like that. Was not her area of expertise... that was for certain.

She stopped when she felt a nick. Just the barest graze and it shot her adrenaline up so high... and even though she knew better, she thought someone had broken into her sanctuary, trying to steal her girl...

“Oh HOLY I didn’t mean to...” but only Shera’s slight quaver. No enemies. Elena relaxed. And smirked while she was at it.

“You’re totally gonna get it for that one. NO ONE ATTACKS ELENA WARNER AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!” She used to use this voice with her boys before they grew up. Shera didn’t need to grow up anymore... she needed to grow down or something. The directions were still fuzzy in Elena’s mind.

“El... are you feeling—Ooof!” The tackle was precisely aimed to both knock the weapon safely away and knock Shera onto the ground. Elena was proud.

You still have skillz.

She was still standing. Smirking and standing. Elena was surrounded by brothers... Shera never had a chance. But... hadn’t Shera been able to predict moves before they happened? Had she really been caught off guard?

Judging by the look on Shera’s face... no. Elena knew she had to run before she too was toppled. And run she did.

“You get back here, El!” she laughed as she pursued. She almost expected to see red or black hair when she looked back... but no. Beautiful girls were so much more fun today. Well, any day. Zack really was a woman underneath all that manliness. Maybe that’s why she liked him so much.

“I will use my ninja skillz to escape!” she shouted, spotting that one tree on the corner of her street... the one that all the kids climbed, because the lady who owned the house next to it was old and childless but kind. Not many things grew easily around her neighborhood, so this tree was special... and especially gnarly and crazy. Yes, trees were crazy sometimes. She could swear this one was almost... alive.

She knew all the footholds and handholds by heart, and almost leapt into it... Shera was a fast little thing when she wanted to be.

“You can’t beat my CLIMBING SKILLZ!” and for a split second, she pictured the school rafters, the day that everything started to change... back when she thought Cloud was the cutest thing ever, and Shera was her catty rival.

Funny, how things can... utterly change.

“You think I can’t climb?! HA!” Something tugged at her ankle. And she was high up. Well, it was time for a new tactic; more ninja action with a mix of Spider-man.

Upside down, Shera looked... well, pretty. But upside down pretty.

“Peter Parker ain’t got nothing on me,” she said before planting a smackeroo right on Shera’s unsuspecting... nose. It was intentional, and sent the other girl into a fit of giggles. And her too. Ok, the giggles were a bit girly, but Elena was technically a girl. Just a weird one.

“Why do you get to be the superhero and me the damsel in distress?” Shera asked once she gained her composure. Elena shrugged, something that looked utterly strange while in a hanging upside down position.

“You’ve got the girl hair,” she answered, grinning like a goofball. Shera raised an eyebrow.

“Well, I have... knife fighting... skillz. Maybe I can be the sidekick?” Elena got into her best thinking position... well, as best as she could while inverted. In fact, the blood was starting to really make her head feel like it was going to explode, so she swung back up to an upright position. She felt much taller now.

“Maybe we could be like X-men. So totally this big band of crazy cool people. You could be Genius Blade. I could be... um....” Elena had to think on that one. She never really pictured herself as a superhero... just a dwarf. And they all had names that didn’t translate well into superhero language.

“How about Sonic Rage, the sound of fury?” she suggested helpfully. Elena always liked how clever she was. Made her life easier, not having to be the clever one. But... was she really that loud? At least the rage made sense. That was enough.

“And Gast can totally be our Dr. X... er... Dr. G. Or something.”

“And Re’s the Red Devil. No... Red Streak. He’s really fast now, El.”

“Zack can be the Muffin Crusader.”

“And the three of us have a special alliance.”

She wished that circumstances let Shera be like this more often. She wished that maybe she could stay in the tree longer. She wished... knife fighting was just to be cool, and there was no danger.

Elena wished for a lot of things.

But with the autumn sun in her eyes, and the breeze just kicking up around her... maybe they would come true. No, they would. She would swear to any of the gods, if they were listening. She’d set things right, or try and set people right.

“El? Can we climb trees more often? You’re fun to chase around. I see why the guys pick on you.”

There was a serenity to spinning madly. Righteousness was black and white... but happiness... it was green and blue. Maybe a little orange to spice things up and outlined in black.

“Yes, but you will be pwned. Sidekick.”

“Maybe you’re the sidekick.”

“Oh, I doubt that. I doubt that very, very much.”

Even though the blade was somewhere in her yard, Elena could feel another knife fight coming on. It was time for some more ninja action.

You really are the sidekick. But... it’s good to pretend until she figures that out for real.

(2) Sadly, I have not yet found a way for MT to list the 5 "Most Recently Edited" entries, meaning that collabs or WIPs will still get pushed to the bottom of the list by new entries. I am still Googling like a fiend for something that will work (I may just have to write my own MT-compatible program, w00t). For now, I dunno. Comment on something if you change it, so the rest of us know that there's something new?

(3) I'm posting this over at ff.7 as well, but I'm sending out a request. SEND ME YOUR RP FILES. ALL OF THEM. SEVENTHE[at]RYDIA[dot]NET. I'm going on an organizational fit and I want to get all our scripts labeled and in order and in the timeline/storyline for reference. If there are edited scripts, yes, I prefer that obviously. However, just send me everything you have.

(4) I love you guys.

He opened his eyes and could not focus, never resting on one point, rolling in the back of his head like a river a wave, everything gray.

If either one well and good and fine, he thought, still dreaming. Where is the promise extraneous. When the wheel and turning with the other ones and fine and fire maybe.

Flashes, flashes. Like hot drills, like alien eyes, like love lost, digging around in his skull, searching for him.

He moaned.

Pain. The first coherent thought, maybe the last.

(He had been in the fetal position too, back then. Always that way, with his knees pulled up to his chest and his face hidden in his legs. He had always been such a coward.)

(Always.)

There was a woman there. He could not remember the relationship, he could not remember the way they had been. His head hurt like it had been opened and closed and opened and closed...

She said something. He did not understand it. She frowned. He did not understand it.

(He wanted to be...like his father. His father was never afraid. The boy was always afraid, of everything.)

He moaned again, feeling drool dripping from his chin to his chest. He was crying; tears were coming out of him, falling into his ears.

What...? he thought. My...head...is so...

Soft sobbing. Not too harsh, or it would make the pain rip more.

She said something else, examining his pupils with a flashlight.

"Good morning, Reno."

(His father had found him, that time. "You shouldn't have hit her, Reno. You know that.")

"L..." his mouth worked. "L...u..."

A small smile, less malicious than it was proud. "Yes, tell me."

(He had been crying, his hands had been so small. "It isn't my fault!")

Crying. Coughing. His skull was so sore, ripped. "Lu...cy..."

He began to sob, hack his breathing. He was...still tied down...to that table...?

Fuck. They really...meant it. Didn't they?

("Yes, it is." Arms had tightened around his shoulders, drawing him.)

"You seem to be doing surprisingly well, considering everything." Why did she sound so normal? How could she...even sleep? What could she dream about?

(He cried, so sorry. I just want to be like...you.)

They really...did it to me. What the fuck did they do...?

"There, there. No more crying," Lucrecia said. "It gives me that nasty licey feeling."

Cracked my brain open, fished around...but what did they do?

("You cannot hit your sisters ever again. Do you understand me?")

He closed his eyes, bobbed his head. "Seph...iroth."

She actually patted him on the head. The bitch must be in a particularly good mood. "Not here yet. He's a little slow."

There was something else...his memory was so bad.

"Tifa." He looked at the corner. The tube was no longer there.

(He shook his head, indignant. "But they hit me first!")

Lucrecia looked as well. "Ah, yes. Jenny is taking care of her. We are waiting for your silly lovers to get here. I wonder if Sephiroth will snap..." she leaned close, "...when he sees what we have done to you. You'll both snap together. Him first. Then you, when you see what he really is."

She smiled, pleased. Reno started to cry again. His brain hurt so badly. He wanted his mother, he wanted Sephiroth, he wanted to break the evil woman's face.

"What did you do to me?" his head rolled. His arms tensed, felt strange.

("That doesn't matter, Reno." He had never seen his father look so grim. "You cannot hit a girl back. It is a rule that boys have to follow.")

Something snapped, and he was staring at his hand, which was now free. He looked at Lucrecia, surprised. "I..."

Lucrecia stepped back. "Oh. Damn it."

He pulled the neck strap away with a rip and sat up, staring at it, then at her, horrified. "What have you done?"

("That's not fair! I'm the only boy! They'll beat up on me!")

Lucrecia pressed a button on the wall. "Daijy? Get down here, now."

("No." His father shook one finger. "You will stop beating up on them. You will protect them. All girls. From now on. Promise me.")

He wiped the drool from his chin with that hand, ripped the other strap away from the other hand, frightened at himself. "What the fuck did you do!?"

Lucrecia smiled. "I just improved you a thousand fold. You should be thanking me."

The feet straps next, like they were paper. "I..." His blood froze. He looked up at the woman, glaring.

"I should kill you."

("I promise, dad.")

He leapt, fast-fast, her eyes went wide as his hand circled her throat. She was taller than him, but he lifted her and slammed her into the wall, knowing somehow that he could do it, feeling the promise sing strangely in his muscles, in his bones.

("So no more beating up on your sisters? No more hurting girls?")

Her eyes bulged, she clasped at his wrist, trying to breathe.

"I hate you!" Reno was breathing hard, eyes crazy. "I told you to leave me the fuck alone!" Squeezed a little more, she choked. "I told you to leave Sephiroth the fuck alone! But you never listened, ever!" He heard her gasping, heard someone coming down the stairs. His hearing was preternatural now.

("I won't. I'm sorry.")

Suddenly, he unclenched his hand and she slid to the floor. He stepped back, staring at his hand. It looked different.

Slowly, slowly, he turned and looked at Kadaj, who was staring at him from the bottom of the stairs.

“What is...he’s loose?” he asked, looking to Lucrecia.

She was rubbing her throat. “I would appreciate it if you were ever around to help, Daijy.”

Kadaj did not answer her.

Reno was stepping back, still looking at his hands. “What is...this...? What the fuck is wrong...with me...? Am I like...Sephiroth now?”

He looked around for the exit, to run. But Kadaj was already there, punching him. “You will never be like him, you shit.”

And as they began to fight, Reno could only think...

This is how he feels. I...understand it, now. I wanted to...kill her.

Sephiroth. I am...a hypocrite.

A mini-Kadajlogue, wonderfully introspective and positively brilliant. We love you, Miri!

“Do you have some kind of death wish?”

At the time it had been playful banter, but now it makes me wonder.

Do I?

Is it a death wish when you push someone’s buttons knowing full well that they could kill you should they snap?

Is it a death wish to live in that one moment of adrenaline-fuelled terror?

I...I can’t help it. The adrenaline’s a drug for me.

You’d think that day at the park would be a wake-up call, but no, I still dance through the fire, still push the buttons...

And...I know someday I’m going to get killed. Someday soon, if Mother has her way with Sephiroth’s sanity.

“Do you have some kind of death wish?”

....Is it a death wish if you’re scared of dying?

Warnings bloodplay.

I should take my medicine more often. Sometimes we both go off it for days, just to see how far before we cross a line.

It's been three days.

I think people notice that. They watch us when we walk by like we are wolves on a chocobo farm. It makes him smirk and that turns me on.

Dangerous, it's like playing with fire when you are fire too.

He can tell I'm thinking about burning when I stare at his hair. He'll make a little laugh and glare up at me. Half a challenge, half a come on. It's like touching a leg-trap, just waiting for it to snap on you. He wouldn't hurt me anyway.

I'm crazy too.

So it's late, but when you're three days off your meds it doesn't seem like you've gone that long without sleep. The urges take over. We shouldn't have gone out tonight; when we are like this, we could kill someone.

He trips me, fast. Always been fast. The brick of the wall barks against my arms and I feel the adrenaline leak out of the scrapes when he kisses me. That look of challenge burns in force when I throw him up against he wall in return, arms above his head.

He bites harder when we are like this, I do too. I let go of his arms and claw at his shirt he's already digging at my pants. We know we need to take our medicine tonight. But this is the rush we wanted.

"Found a fag fest!"

We both tensed then, snapping our heads to the side and snarling. If that fucker had any sense he would have run.

I'm glad that our prey came willingly. It was much more fun this way. A bat? It'll take more than that.

He cracks his knuckles one at a time. Every little crack sends a thrill up my back. I like to watch him, his hair is the same color as blood, it's like art in motion.

The bat lifts up and collides with my shoulder. They try to hit me first, I'm bigger. Idiots, that was it.

Snap.

So fast. It's poetry. Elbow to the head, off the wall and back with a knee to the same place before the fool had time to stagger. I caught the bat, watching as our prey fell to the alley. I won't need it. He's going to do this himself, because the fool struck me.

The kick lifts our prey to his feet where I grab him. Blood is already trickling from his mouth and nose, it drips on my hands, sticky, sweet, it smells so good.

His hand traces the muscle on my shoulder and he leans close, pinning our prey in between us. The fool jerks once when the knife cuts through his stomach, a flash and splatter tell me that he's not done and the blade crossed again at the fool's throat.

There's blood on his lips when he kisses me.

I let go of the fool's body and he slides from our way. Standing on the fool's chest, he's as tall as I am. Falling to the floor of the alley we continue where we started, smearing fool's blood across the ground. It tastes so good mixed with his sweat.

We need to take our medicine tonight.