Midgar High School

Jenova was right about me.

I loathe myself. It is amazing that I have gone this long in such a state. I have tried, time and again, not to. I was doing well, too. I have a wonderful girl who loves me. I have friends. I have… a life.

Then why can I not look at my reflection? Then why… why do I still blame a dead man for all of my problems?

Because you failed. Because you blame everything except yourself.

I do not want to sleep. I cannot eat, I cannot do anything except run situations over and again in my head. And talk with myself. Oh, the voices… I never thought that they would ever sound sane.

People sacrifice themselves because you could not accept the blame.

I told his parents. I told everyone else too. It was my duty, my responsibility. I led the campaign, because I wanted…

I wanted…

I wanted it to be me.

I am sorry, Tifa, for such suicidal ambitions. And I am sorry that I hold them still… only I wish to die very very slowly… like sinking into the water…

Only cowards get to die like that. Brave people go out fighting… maybe that is fitting for you.

I am meant to fade away. Fade away with no reminders. Not like you, Cidney, you left so many reminders that I cannot forget. Even locked in my room, hours upon hours, staring at the ceiling…

I really should give her these ridiculous goggles that you wore. I am glad that she did like you, I am glad that you two were close. I had hoped that someday you would have a family, and that I would and our children would go to school together. Maybe fight. Highwinds and Valentines are a combustive reaction, you know.

Damn you… for getting me thinking about the future.

She is most likely angry with me. Both of our women. I could not look at her, after what happened…

Guilty little thing… shifty eyes and shadow hair… do you really think she’ll ever want to touch you again?

I am wondering how many chemicals my system could handle. Maybe I will go numb. Maybe… maybe I will stop feeling… hollow. Such a hollow victory. Nothing left to avenge, nothing left to fight. Obsolete.

I should just go out and find a job and go far from here. Yes, I am running. I need to before I lose my mind.

Oh the look on his parents’ faces... gods, if I could only get that image out of my mind. Drink, Vincent, drink it away and pretend they did not look at you like you had killed him... Like you were responsible. Like they had wished they had never met you.

If he hadn’t gotten mixed up with a faggy jackass like you, he’d be here right now telling you to get your ass up and stop moping.

The voices have been getting bolder, some that I have not heard since before Lucrecia are surfacing. And I wonder what it would be like if I just stayed locked in here forever, slowly wasting away... body and mind....

I need work. I need something to occupy myself before I... well, I am not sure what I would do. Maybe I do not want to answer that question.

Well, Cloud did say that he might have work for me... and I may have pissed him off. But when you are hollow... words like that just bounce off and echo into oblivion. Yes... that is where I want to go. Oblivion. To be... nothing. To be... invisible.

Dammit Cidney... why did you have to prove you were the hero like that?