Midgar High School

I've always had boys around.

Brothers older than me, brothers younger than me... I must have been some sort of biological anomaly. Like dad knocked mom up and the doctor check the ultrasound and said, “it’s a boy” and then nine months later I popped out as a girl. They even had a boy name ready for me—Allen. My younger brother got that instead... why waste a good name?

And my friends, they’re really great... guys. Always guys. I’ve known Reno since he was five, and he’s always had that hair. That spiky mullet thing that I want him to cut so badly. Tseng, not quite as long, but you can’t help but like him. He’s sweet, unassuming, and wants to be a wizard.

Did I mention I was a geek too?

My boys. Been dealing with bullies and dungeons with them at my side for quite some time. Always my boys and me... like our own little Turkish army riding up against the Huns. Only the Huns are always bigger and stronger and everyone seems to like them. And you’d think that was my biggest problem, being part of the group that everyone likes to punch around.

Except it’s not.

Sure, I can’t help but want to use my grappling skills I learned from my brothers against smug jerks that make my boys bleed and steal their lunch money. That Tseng’s so tired of being little that he puts his energy into spells that even I’m not deluded enough to think work. And how much time he spends with his “mentor”... I worry about him. But not as much as Reno. He’s always been the mouthy one, the target. He doesn’t see the hungry looks, the leers when no one is watching... Re’s prettier than he thinks.

No, my problem is simpler. I want to be a girl.

I know that anatomically I’m one, and legally too. That if someone were to actually look at me, they’d notice that I’m a girl. But I don’t feel like one. It doesn’t help that my boys have longer hair than me even... an insignificant detail to some, but something I’ve always noticed. I can’t have long flowing hair because my mom always cut hair for my brothers... in fact, this is the longest I’ve ever had it. I’m the uglier side of androgyny.

And then, there’s Cloud.

He’s totally cute. Not in that passing, “well he’ll be ugly later”, or that preened peacock way that Sephiroth is... just cute. His hair defies all laws of physics, and he smiles... when he smiles... That’s really what started it. We were sitting in math class, and I had to switch papers with him, and he smiled at me before he handed me his. That’s when I noticed how totally cute he was.

Then I fell on him. From the ceiling, no less.

But he caught me. He caught me. Not my most brilliant moment, I’ll admit, but what a way to end it. And he smiled afterwards, a goofy sort of half deluded one, but a smile all the same. Sure he smiles at all the girls, and doesn’t even know it... I’ve watched. But that’s just it... he smiles at the girls.

And then, there’s Shera.

I didn’t like her at first. Which was some time ago... never really thought of how long she’d been around. She’s smart... and she knows it. Teachers pet, know-it-all, and had the worst sense of style. I mean, I’m no clothes snob... but sweater vests? And sweaters made to look like sweater vests? She always had the haughty prepatory air about her... and it smelled like loafers and too much paper.

That, and she likes Cloud too.

So we had this rivalry going. My sense with boys versus her cleverness. She usually got the better of me, she is smarter. Not that I would tell her that. Oh, the lengths we went to sneak his dazed attention. I mean, I fought Yuffie ninja style... and lost. But Shera and I? We glared daggers and tripped each other and thought up evil plans that involved nuclear waste and dragon’s blood. I almost asked Tifa, whom I would kill a dozen Orcs to look like, to make me up a curse. She sure dresses like someone who would know about such things.

But like magic, or magic hippie cookies... I noticed Shera. Shera herself. She’s a geek. With a Splinters deck in her sock drawer and all. And she’s not opposed to dwarves... you can tell a lot from a person from their stance on dwarves. Re hates them because he doesn’t like feeling small. Tseng hates them because they have no innate magical ability. But Shera... she doesn’t love them, but doesn’t hate them. I’ve always identified with dwarves...

Am I really that desperate for a female friend? Or did Cloud... not mean as much as I thought he did? He’s still totally cute, and she’s still a preppy little know-it-all... but I like that. I like that she corrects my math problems when she doesn’t think I’m watching. That she wants to tutor me. That she’ll come to one of our campaigns.

And it makes me wonder... do I even like Cloud at all? Should I worry about him as my new rival... what would happen if Shera went out with him and left me behind? Would it have felt the same if it were the other way around?

I’ve been speaking boy language for so long... I wonder if I can speak girl language well enough. I wonder if Shera will still want to be friends with me, if she were to get Cloud.

And I wonder... why do I feel so jealous about the idea?