Midgar High School

There are always mistakes. People are imperfect. People are petty. People are weak.

And I... I am stark raving mad, in all reality. My brain tricks me into thinking things, and I go with them. On the one had, I am a stiff, prudish, and considered gentlemanly with the ladies my age. On the other, I am savage, lustful, and erratic.

But it is all me. Possession or not, it is all me. Voices, demons, terrible sense of humor, and penchant for loud gothic music. It is all me.

Such are my choices. They were all mine. I am accountable for them.

So why was I so ashamed? So afraid of letting things out? Why had I simply argued and argued like a foppish old fool? Self-righteous and hypocritical... that is also me. I cannot allow for indecency amongst others, but give me a good hit of something and I will be dancing around half dressed like a fool.

And oh, the tea!

I fear that I might have partaken of that too much. Despite Aeris’s comments to the contrary, I fear that I might have done something indecent. Especially considering the dreams I had...

And no, I will not discuss them. They are far from inappropriate.

I wonder if many men have been in this position. A girl that they care about wants to kill the one that they used to care about. Probably not. I have a life that seems only to show up in plays and movies. The result of an insane mind... or some such thing.

And I wonder why I bother. My distaste for humanity grows every day. People... they want to use me. I hate that feeling, almost more than feeling helpless. A whole conglomerate of people using each other... it just makes me sick.

Maybe that is why Cidney is most likely my best friend. He does not wish to use me for any of his own ends. He just... is there. Annoying the hell out of me, but I do not mind, really. And I will never tell him that... he will get a big head, I am sure.

But Tifa... why is she different? Until the party, I had not even known of her existence. I guess when you are focused on one woman, all the others seem irrelevant. She does not want to be around me for her own purposes either. Hell, if anyone was using anyone in this case, it was me. My exorcist... too bad that it was all in vain.

I guess it would be pertinent to say that once I destroyed Hojo, once Lucrecia was gone... I hoped that I too would be gone. Ah yes, morbidity... that is me too. I realize now that the demons are just an extension of my own madness... mine, my own. I have never been very sane... it just took me this long to confess to it.

Confessions... they tire me. I wish I had never told her. I wish I had never met her, for that matter. I have terrible luck with women. The first one corrupted me... though that was hardly a stretch. The second one, if I can be so bold as to call her that, I think that I am corrupting her.

Why do I have such a savior complex? Why do I keep looking for women to pull me out of my own insanity?

Cidney would tell me to break the cycle, to just... stop acting like an asshole. Well, Cidney, that is easier said than done. I come from asshole stock... I had never resented my father before, but now? Why had he always told me to go out and have fun with the ladies?

Maybe if my moral fiber were stronger, I would never have dreamed about Lucrecia. If I had learned the first time, I would not dream about Tifa now.

I would not be breaking one of my rules as I sit here, resting my head on the couch next to her as she sleeps. I dare not sit on the couch, for that would just be... indecent. Even if in her unconscious state her hand came to rest on my cheek...

I should lock myself in a box, far away from her. I enjoy this too much. Far too much to be healthy.

Aeris says we deserve each other, for our stubbornness. If that was the only qualifying factor, then I would have said the hell with propriety by now. But it is not. It cannot be.

I tire of confessions... I have so many to make.

And I wonder, Tifa, how you would react if I told you why I want you as far from harm as humanly possible. I wonder if you would like that confession better or worse than the one I told you earlier.

You look troubled in your sleep. Am I the culprit? Maybe these circumstances... why are we not allowed to just be seventeen and forget the whole world? Would things be different between us if we lived normal lives?

I despise humanity. I trust Cidney. I respect Sephiroth.

But Tifa... I fear I might be in love with you.